Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
