Plan B is the new Plan A
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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