i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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