My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
