I think my vagina is haunted
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
