sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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