I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
