Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
