On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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