I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
