They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
