low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
