Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
