apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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