i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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