if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just found puke in my bra..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
