defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
