Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
