Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
