It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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