There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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