How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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