So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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