Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
