im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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