I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
