I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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