i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
People in love make me want to vomit
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
