mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
