I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
