My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Sorry about my life...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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