Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
