i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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