My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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