Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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