mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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