This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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