Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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