I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
