Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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