if you like me you must not know who I am
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
