only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize