I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
