fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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