he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
