i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
