I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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