It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
