Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
