No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
