3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
