My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
