Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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