i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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