Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize