Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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