Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
