I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
