You're my little dorito
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
