New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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