But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
