I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
