Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize