now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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