Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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